29 posts tagged “funny”
CBS Nightly News
Katie Couric: OK, fuckers, apparently the world's discovered sexism all of a sudden. News to me, as I didn't think you assholes cared about what was said about me after I left that douchebag Matt Lauer the Today show and came over here. Whatever. Anyway, guess what the fuck's up? Apparently, I'm going to get the chance to talk to Sarah Palin now. Needless to say, it was the most awkward thing I've ever been a part of, and I had a camera up my butt on a morning talk show. Roll the fucking tape
*scene cuts to a beach for some reason, where Sarah and Katie are pedeconferencing*
Katie: So the economy collapsed last week.
Sarah Palin: Um, that it did.
Katie: Hey, what about the campaign staffer on Senator McCain's campaign who got a payout from Freddie Mac even while that ship was sinking?
Sarah: As far... as I know he... um.. recused himself from that? And, um, so it shouldn't matter?
Katie: ... Ok, I'll bite Define "recuse."
Sarah: It means... he... recused himself.
Katie: Oh, well that sure clears everything up. Christ. This beach smells like garbage.
*scene cuts to comfortable, intimate setting in the studio*
Katie: Ok. So let's stay on topic here. The economy is in the crapper, what do you think we need to do about it right now?
Sarah Palin: Oh, well, you know I think America is just really waiting to see what John McCain has to say... um.. about all this. You know, America is watching John McCain.
Katie: Sure they are. While we're on that subject, let's look at the polls and -- oh! Oh dear, a direct result of this collapse is that Barack Obama is up in the polls. So, why would America be watching John McCain yet voting for Barack Obama?
Sarah: Um.. Um...
Katie: *glowers*
Sarah: Well... I think at this time what America wants is experience, you know, and they want to know what an experienced candidate would think...
Katie: You sure you want to go down this path?
Sarah: And, you know, this one time, Senator McCain called for stricter regulations
Katie: Oh, that's true. While we're on THAT topic, let's look at his voting record. Oh, oh my goodness. Twenty-seven years of voting for lighter regulations, and then one time, when shit starts hitting the fan, he votes in favor of stricter regulations. Kinda like voting for the war before voting against it, hmmmm?
Sarah: But he did vote then! That's proof right there!"
Katie: Ok, I'll bite again. That's proof. Now, tell me, what else is proof that he's the man to take care of this?
Sarah: Well, there was that thing that we just talked about...
Katie: Covered, move on...
Sarah: And, um... well, there's the other thing... you know, John McCain is a maverick!
Katie: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Sarah: He takes shit from his own people, so, you know. He... um.. is takin' punches from... other. republicans.
Katie: Uh-huh.
Sarah: He's... a... maverick.
Katie: Drop the maverick shit and answer the fucking question.
Sarah: Can I get back to you on that?
Katie: *narrows eyes*
Sarah Palin: *nervous giggle*
Katie Couric: I. Am going. To eat. Your. Heart.
"I would have used the bathroom at Billy's*, but I didn't want to catch skank."
"Skank-yllis."
"Skank-orrhea."
"Skank-IV."
"Skank-PV. Wait, that's human papilloma virus, skanks aren't human."
"That's why it's Skank-papilloma virus, no vaccine for that."
"Actually, Skankorrhea sounds like the name of a trendy theme resteraunt. Skankeria."
"Like, the skank cafeteria?"
"If we ever open a restraunt, that's what we'll call it. Skankeria. And we'll have food like... fish tacos."
"For dessert, FUR PIE!"
"Nice! Solid work!"
"Thanks, I'm proud."
"You should be. You know, Chino Latino** serves a sushi called Pink Tacos."
"Nice work there. I've always hated that euphemism, though."
"Me too."
"It's like, anyone who SERIOUSLY calls it a pink taco doesn't eat a lot of pussy. Or tacos."
* Fratty bar on Grand in St. Paul, a few blocks from my house. It is to bars what Dane Cook is to comedy. A conversation about this bar went like this:
"You'll have a fun time, but it won't be dignified."
"Oh! Like when I lost my virginity."
**I guess some latin-asian fusion restaraunt in Minneapolis? It's apparently a big deal. I have not been.
Three variations of the same flu struck my apartment this week, and all three of us -- Pineapple, Little Bundle of Common Sense, and I -- have been sick. I'm better, thanks, but I also work a lot. In lieu of actually posting a thoughtful update on my life, I've decided to once again direct people to Achewood. If you aren't reading this comic, I don't know what to tell you . It's bad-ass, and you should.
Yesterday's, for example, had me in fits of hyperventilating giggles.
You should also weigh in on the discussion: A King Philippe Tattoo -- should I, or shouldn't I? LBCS has been insinuating for months that I should. Nay, that it is my duty.
Computer Lab.
Student: Ms T! Come over here, look at my slide show!
Me: What's it on?
Student: Japan. I made it for media class. Watch:
"Slideshow (almost verbatim):
JAPAN
By: Seventhgrader.
Slide One: FOOD 1) People of Japan live their lives. 2) They like to eat sushi.
Slide Two: SCHOOL 1) This is a Japanese school. 2) They learn martial arts.
Slide Three: CLOTHES 1) Japanese people wear something like a dress. 2) They like it alot.
Slide Four: WHAT I THINK: 1) I think Japan is a place where I would like to go someday to see what I like batter.
The end."
Moments like this one remind me why I go to work everyday.
7th Grade Boy: *to 7th grade math teacher* Your hair is great, Ms. K. It's beautiful. It is a work of art. *turning to me and chuckling* Wow. Why do I keep telling these lies?
---
School Nurse: So you wrote her this pass?
Me: Yes, I did.
School Nurse: Hmm. *examining it* It looks like a child's handwriting.
---
8th grade math teacher: Keep your hands to yourselves.
8th grade girl: Uh-uh. He didn't keep his hands to himself. That's how he got him a wife. Am I right? WOO!
---
Me: *grabbing a basketball before it can hit a boy on the head* Watch out there! You almost got beaned!
7th grade boy: So you were protecting me?
Me: Yes.
7th grade boy: *nodding* Good. I'll remember that you did that.
---
Me: *to seventh grade boy who is usually really well-behaved* What is your issue, today? Normally you don't act like this.
Boy: I don't know. I guess I'm just bored and deviant today.
---
7th Grade Girl: I have to go to the bathroom.
Me: Ok.
7th Grade Girl: I mean it, I have to POOP.
Me: Fine.
7th Grade Girl: I have to take a dump. Did you hear me?
Me: Yeah, you said you had to go drop a deuce.
7th Grade Girl: I have to drop my homies off at the pool!
Me: I get it. You have to go pinch one off.
7th Grade Girl: ... Ok, I'm out.
Me (to a kid who is misbehaving): Hey, stop...
7th Grade girl: Let me handle this, Miss. She my best friend. (turns to friend) Stop being a butthole!
Every now and then, there is an Achewood that is so funny that it makes me poop my pants.
Like today.
Scene: Sixth Hour Math Resources class (like a study hall for math)
Student 1: "Ms. Tigi, is you married?"
Me: "Nope."
Student 2: "Too much commitment, huh?"
