6 posts tagged “bra girl”

Yesterday morning, I woke up to this:

IMG_3884

If you can't see through my screen, which my camera lovingly caught and detailed, that is a light dusting of snow.  The first of the season.  I didn't fully register what had happened right away, but then my mind woke up and I said, "Holy crap, winter is on its way."  You'll note that the trees are still green here in Minnesota -- at least, here in southern Minnesota.  But if mother nature has any say in it, we'll have six inches on the ground before any tree realized summer was over.

As a result of the snow, people became sick of looking at it and all decided to go to the mall.  So we were busy -- very busy.  So busy that I realized quite keenly that the Christmas season is looming once more -- people asking for boxes, the homestore decorated like a Christmas nightmare Norman Rockwell once had, and, of course, the "fourth quarter move" looms, which means I'll be waking up at five one of these days and moving ten thousand bras from one place to another.  Happy holidays...

I thought about making myself a holiday mix to get in the right spirit for work, but I have three Christmas songs, and one of those is Chiron Beta Prime:

You can follow your dreams any which way you want, but you should know that the part-time job you take when you're doing the following may accidentally define you.  I outed myself as "Bra-girl" in my (mostly female) Theory-to-Practice class, and I am getting asked advice on titslings as though I am the final word.  Part of me wants to shout to the world, "I have an advanced degree in Greek!  I taught Latin to children!  I know things about ancient Boeotian poetesses!"  But really, people are less likely to need an answer to a question about the Aeneid and more likely to have an urgent need for a new bra.  Or to find panties that don't give them lines.  Or desire the perfect corset for their wedding gown.  Sing, o muse, of Jockey boyshorts with a touch of toning, and the sexy slinkiness of the perfect slip.  Isn't being an academic why I learn so much about a thing when I get into it?  Isn't being a teacher educating people, even if you're just teaching them how to build a "foundationwear" wardrobe?  Am I not doing my thing I always do, just this time doing it with bras? 

When I posted the primer on measuring yourself for your own bra, Lyz suggested I become the bra-blog girl.  It is a thought that pops into my head whenever someone asks me a bra-question, or whenever I'm in public, mentally sizing the women around me and picking out bras they should try in my head.  Or whenever something happens that's slightly out-of-the-ordinary -- like when a man brought in his 13-year-old son to help pick out bras for the kid's mom.  That was a little weird.  

I feel that a bra-blog would need a lot of commitment and study.  Although it could be fun.

By the way, German word for bra?  Der Büstenhalter.  Germans -- is there anything they can't make awesome?

The thing about being in retail during the holidays is that you come to loathe most Christmas music.  And not all Christmas music -- mostly the secular Santa-and-snow shit.  I can only really tolerate Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Let it Snow because I learned to sing those in Latin, and it relieves the boredom to do so.  But most of it is awful.  I can't even pick one I hate the most -- Marshmallow World in the Winter for its disturbing images (please tell me you don't shudder a bit when you think of the sun being red like a pumpkin head -- that is gruesome)?  Santa Baby for the irritating kittenish sex-pot voice that sings it?  I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, for psychological trauma inflicted on a stupid child?  I can't decide.  It's all deplorably bad.  And in a single eight-hour shift, I can hear the same song at least four times in three different ways.  Over and over and over. 

Thing is, today?  I didn't just hear several differnet versions of the same song.  I heard them back-to-back -- first What Are You Doing New Year's Eve, then Silver and Gold.  With the first one, I just thought it was a weird coincidence.  But when Silver and Gold ended only to lead into another version of Silver and Gold, I actually became enraged.  Had my manager not been standing next to me, I would have raised my fist to the speakers and shouted, "Fuck you!  You're not even trying anymore!" 

A little while back, I promised to include tips on how to measure oneself for a bra and other bra-fitting tips.  As I’m stuck at home with a nasty sore throat and fever, and as classes ended yesterday (woo!), I have time now to be thorough about it.  First, a tutorial on how to measure yourself.  Ideally, you should have someone helping you, but you can do this on your own.

Measuring Yourself:

1)      Make sure you are wearing a bra.  You’ll need it as a guideline for the measuring tape.

2)      Take your measuring tape and first wrap it straight around your back right under your bustline.  This measurement will help you figure out your band size according to this formula

a.       If you measure under 30 inches around, add 4-5 inches to your total (to the closest even # -- so if you measure 27 inches, go to 32.  If you measure 30, your band size is 34)

b.      If you measure between 31-36 inches, add 2-3 inches to your total (so if you measure 32, your band size is 34, if you measure 33, your band size is 36)

c.       If you measure 37+, add 0-1 inch to your total, depending on if you are at an even number or not.  

3)      Take the measuring tape and bring it straight around your back over the fullest part of your bust, probably right over your nipples for most women.  This measurement will help you figure out your cup size.  Subtract your band size from this measurement and use the difference to figure out your cup size according to this formula:

a.       1 in. – A

b.      2 in. – B

c.       3 in. – C

d.      4 in. – D

e.      5 in – DD

f.        6 in – DDD (E)

g.       7 in – F

h.      8 in – G

So, if you measured 34 inches under your bust (making your band size a 36), and you measure 41 inches around the fullest part of your bust, you are a 36DD.   In my case, I measure 40 inches under my bust (thanks, mesomorphic frame!) and 46 inches around the fullest part of my bust, so I’m a 40DDD.  (At the rehearsal dinner for my brother’s wedding, my sister-in-law’s step-grandma made a comment to me, while I was holding my niece, that babies probably liked being held by me because of my “large, comforting chest.”  I laughed really hard about it later on with my mom).

Swing sizing:  Note that the measurement you get is just a guide to shopping.  If you try on a bra and it doesn’t seem to fit correctly, swing-size it by going up a cup size and down a band size, or up a band size and down a cup size.  So, say you’re a 36D, and the cup on a bra feels fine but the band feels tight – try a 38C. 

What to look for:

1)      Cups should not pucker (too large) or cut into breast tissue (too small)

2)      Center of bra should hug close to ribcage

3)      Bra should feel snug but comfortable.

4)      Underwire should rest comfortably against ribcage and should not move independent of your body – test this by moving your arms up and down.

5)      Straps should be tight but not too tight – you should be able to move one finger comfortably under each strap

6)      Try on bra on second hook, and you should be able to pull the back part of bra about ½ inch before you feel some tension. 

Myths about Bra Fitting:

Myth 1:  The straps are for support, ergo,  strapless bras offer no support.

                Fact:  No support should come from the straps.  All support comes from the band and the underwire of a bra.  Straps hold the cups in place against your chest, and offer a little extra “lift,” but no support.  This is why you need to make sure your band size is accurate and snug, and also why you should consider underwire if you wear a D-cup and up.   I see little old ladies who have been relying on straps for support for YEARS and they all have something in common – little dents in their shoulders.  Wear the wrong bra, and your BONE STRUCTURE WILL CHANGE.    Strapless bras can be quite comfy, actually – just go down a band-size for extra support.  I have a great strapless bra in a 38. 

Myth 2: If I have a roll of back-fat, I should switch to a larger band size

                Fact:  Back-fat exists, and there’s nothing you can really do to get rid of all of it.  If you are not happy with how a bra makes your back or sides look, get a wider band, not a larger band.  The more vertical hooks on a bra, the smaller the appearance of back-fat will be.  You’ll get better support as a bonus, you’ll stand straighter, and you’ll look taller.  See, back-fat is giving you better posture!  Love your back-fat.  It’s a part of you, it wants to be your friend. 

Myth 3: Padded bras are only for women with small chests

                Fact:  Most “padded” bras are actually “contour” bras that have no actual padding.  And anyone can wear a contour bra.  Contour bras are fucking sexy.  Give that shit a try, man. 

Myth 4: No bra in the world can fit me

                Fact:  I once did a fitting for a woman who had a weird bone protrusion between her breasts, enough that it looked like a third breast.  Guess what?  We found her a bra.  So clearly, your case is not hopeless.

Bras to Consider Trying:

Small-Chested  (A-B) – First of all, you are in vogue.  Most clothing is geared towards smaller-chests these days.   A push-up bra works with what you’ve got and can give the illusion of a larger chest.  A bralet gives you the support you need, is comfortable for every-day wear, and allows you to wear a lot.  A bandeau bra is a wire-free strapless bra that offers you enough support and lets you wear skimpier tops.  Brands to look for:  Calvin Klein, Wacoal, Jezebel, Luleh, Maidenform, Warners, Jockey, Barely There.

Medium-Chested (C-D):  You have the most options, you lucky bitch.  Try everything.  Buy fashion bras like whoa.  You should consider owning every kind of bra in the world.  But I would say try:  A plunge bra for low-cut tops,   a contour strapless for certain dresses, and a convertible bra for most everything else.   And try on the fashion bras.  They are made for you.  Brands to look for:  Calvin Klein, DKNY, Wacoal, Jezebel, Vanity Fair, Luleh, Maidenform, Warners.

Large Chested: (DD+):  You may think you need cranes and scaffolding and unsexy bras for your boobs, but you are wrong.  Don’t limit yourself to grandma’s Playtex bras.  The right bra can make you a fucking bombshell, sister.  You are not exempt from sexy lace.  You are not exempt from colors.  You are not exempt from contour and push-up bras.  You should actually try them on and see how great they make your tits look.  I’m for serious here.  I AM ONE OF YOU.  Now, you may think you need a minimizer, but you may not – get a good-fitting bra and you’ll look “proportional.”  Minimizers reduce projection, but they can also squish the shit out of you and give you weird flat boobs.  Try a balconette:  it gives you a very modest cleave, but holds you up impressively, and creates a sexy line.   Look for a soft-cup strapless bra with an underwire – something that will hold you in place and keep you comfy.    Some brands make a “push-up” bra for larger chests – and design it so that it’s a minimal amount of padding in the right place for push-up.  Try ‘em out.  Brands to look for:  Calvin Klein’s “Seductive Comfort” line (geared towards larger chests),  Wacoal, La Mystiere, Felina, Olga’s Christina, Lilyette, Bali’s “Amazing Lift” bra (the only Bali bra I like), Cacique (especially good for 38+ band sizes, and very good at making COLORFUL SEXY BRAS in LARGE SIZES seriously what did I do before I met you, Cacique?),  Lunaire.  ALSO:  figleaves.com for great selections of full-figure lingerie.

Final words of encouragement:

Bra shopping scares a lot of people because they have this idea that it’s only for Victoria Secret’s models.  But you should not aspire to be one of these models-sexy, you should aspire to be you-sexy.  Block these images from your mind when you try on bras.   Shop with someone who makes you feel good about yourself – your best friend, for instance.  Don’t be afraid to ask a salesperson for advice – technically, we’re supposed to be trained to be sensitive and supportive (Also, don’t be afraid to complain if you get shitty treatment).  And most of us are not going to be horrified by any body-type, honestly.  I’ve seen and helped thin women, fat women, women who have just given birth, women who have lost a lot of weight all of a sudden, women who have gained weight, women who have odd body quirks, old women, young women, middle-aged women... and so forth.  And you know what?  No one looks grotesque to me.  No one.  No, not even you.  You want to know why?  Because for the longest time, I thought the most grotesque body in the world was the one I’m walking around in everyday.  And then I started seeing women regularly in their bras, and seeing a lot of body-types, and hearing them all say the same thing – “My body is so bad.  It’s so awful.”  And… not so much.  Everyone thinks their own body is gross, but it’s just a body.  It was after working as a bra girl that I realized that I’m probably not grotesque because, well, as far as I can tell, everyone thinks their body is grotesque – but they’re all wrong.  So, I figured I was probably wrong too, and that’s when I began noticing that I was just fine.  And so are you. 

This just in:  My schedule at Bra-topia for the day after thanksgiving:

3:30am-1:30pm.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

When I get my teaching license and am finally done with Grad School and can leave the world of retail, I will do a merry dance. A very, very merry dance.  It will be called the "Dance of Always Having Black Friday Off."  And I will spend every Black Friday from here until I perish not shopping.  And lo, I will be truly thankful.

I had so many women walk up to me today and lift their shirts.  I should start bringing Mardi Gras beads to work.