They said "Due to weather." So they said they were going to give me a BUS ticket. Because taking the BUS is so much safer in a blizzard than the train.
I cancelled my ticket, got a refund, and drove as far as my parents house (three hours after a very long workday) tonight. Who needs you, Amtrak? Not me, and not my golden retriever who is currently asleep at my feet, snoring happily now that I am by her side again.
So we have two cats -- LBCS's cat, Halston, and her boyfriend's cat, Mugen (who we also call Roastbeef or Fluffycorps)
Last week, Hal walked into LBCS's room and made a weird noise. She figured out quickly that he was choking on his cat food and did kitty-heimlich on him until he puked it all up. She told me about it, emphasizing the weird human-like noise he made before she figured out he was choking on his dinner. Today, he started choking again, only LBCS is at her mom's house, so when he went to her room, she wasn't there to save him. He apparently resolved to settle in on her bed and choke to death quietly, giving one last plaintive noise. RecycledArtGuru happened to be over and standing near LBCS's door, and said, "Um, what's wrong with your cat?" I went into the room, flipped on the light to find him choking, and again, did kitty-heimlich on him until he puked all over LBCS's Hello Kitty blanket.*
Here's the thing. Both times, a lot -- I mean, a LOT -- of food came up. So, I can only assume that Hal starts to choke mid-meal, pauses, and then KEEPS EATING. He thinks if he stops, Fluffycorps will eat what he's left behind, so he must eat it all before he dies so she will be left with nothing. Thus proving that cats are too much like humans for me to like them as pets.
* Yes, I find it hilarious that he almost died on a Hello Kitty blanket. It would have then been a Goodbye Kitty blanket. Why, yes, I do have a heart of stone.
Though I seem to be down on the holiday season, there are some great things going on and around my life. I am celebratory this year. I put up my fake Christmas tree -- Pineapple mocked it at first, but once it was decorated agreed that it is a nice and comforting presence in the house. It looks a little Charlie Brown-ish, but it lights up nice. And I like putting out all the decorations I've collected over the span of my lifetime -- the little Central American woven baby Jesus ornament I got from my church back in the days when I was an altar girl, the red sled with my name and "1987" painted on it from my fifth christmas (my brothers both have ones like it that they got thatyear), the teapot ornaments my mom gave me, the purple-and-gold glass ornament that belonged to my grandmother, the recycled-paper snowflake that one student gave me, the reindeer bell another student gave me, and the giant glass orbs I bought the year I lived in the house with the Angry Dwarf Star.
In nine days I board a train for Milwaukee -- we're doing Christmas at Sunshine's house. Prof. Hermano and Beep are coming up from Pennsylvania two days before I arrive, so I will get off the train and get to meet Peanut almost immediately. It's going to be a chaotic Christmas, as both of my brothers and their wives have, in settling down, acquired much baggage -- between them three dogs, a cat, and of couse the blessed infants. And so there's something nice about being able to pack me, myself and I up on a train to see them all. It will be a houseful, no doubt -- my parents are bringing my dog (beautiful and wonderful Mag-pie whom I also cannot wait to see) but will themselves be staying at a hotel.
So, see? Holidays. They can indeed be a happy time and I can be not moody about Christmas music.
So a student was killed by the police in Athens recently, and now the whole city is facing riots by student anarchist groups. A friend of mine is there right now, and he's been teargassed and hit in the head with a brick. So he's not going out and about anymore.
Here's the thing. I was in Greece the year we invaded Iraq, and I thought the protests were nutty bananas then. Apparently, that was nothing. My friend says most of the actual rioters are not really students, just an anarachist group taking the cause and running with it.
---
What the hell, Rod Blagojevich? I lived in IL and voted for his sorry ass in '06, and he turns out to be no better than George Ryan. So this is what it feels like to be a voter whose trust was abused. It blows pretty hard.
The thing about being in retail during the holidays is that you come to loathe most Christmas music. And not all Christmas music -- mostly the secular Santa-and-snow shit. I can only really tolerate Ruldolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Let it Snow because I learned to sing those in Latin, and it relieves the boredom to do so. But most of it is awful. I can't even pick one I hate the most -- Marshmallow World in the Winter for its disturbing images (please tell me you don't shudder a bit when you think of the sun being red like a pumpkin head -- that is gruesome)? Santa Baby for the irritating kittenish sex-pot voice that sings it? I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, for psychological trauma inflicted on a stupid child? I can't decide. It's all deplorably bad. And in a single eight-hour shift, I can hear the same song at least four times in three different ways. Over and over and over.
Thing is, today? I didn't just hear several differnet versions of the same song. I heard them back-to-back -- first What Are You Doing New Year's Eve, then Silver and Gold. With the first one, I just thought it was a weird coincidence. But when Silver and Gold ended only to lead into another version of Silver and Gold, I actually became enraged. Had my manager not been standing next to me, I would have raised my fist to the speakers and shouted, "Fuck you! You're not even trying anymore!"
Tom Cruise. Wearing an eyepatch. Saying, "We have to kill Hitler."
If this isn't New Sincerity, I don't know what is. For the record, I will be doing this all day:
A little while back, I promised to include tips on how to measure oneself for a bra and other bra-fitting tips. As I’m stuck at home with a nasty sore throat and fever, and as classes ended yesterday (woo!), I have time now to be thorough about it. First, a tutorial on how to measure yourself. Ideally, you should have someone helping you, but you can do this on your own.
Measuring Yourself:
1) Make sure you are wearing a bra. You’ll need it as a guideline for the measuring tape.
2) Take your measuring tape and first wrap it straight around your back right under your bustline. This measurement will help you figure out your band size according to this formula
a. If you measure under 30 inches around, add 4-5 inches to your total (to the closest even # -- so if you measure 27 inches, go to 32. If you measure 30, your band size is 34)
b. If you measure between 31-36 inches, add 2-3 inches to your total (so if you measure 32, your band size is 34, if you measure 33, your band size is 36)
c. If you measure 37+, add 0-1 inch to your total, depending on if you are at an even number or not.
3) Take the measuring tape and bring it straight around your back over the fullest part of your bust, probably right over your nipples for most women. This measurement will help you figure out your cup size. Subtract your band size from this measurement and use the difference to figure out your cup size according to this formula:
a. 1 in. – A
b. 2 in. – B
c. 3 in. – C
d. 4 in. – D
e. 5 in – DD
f. 6 in – DDD (E)
g. 7 in – F
h. 8 in – G
So, if you measured 34 inches under your bust (making your band size a 36), and you measure 41 inches around the fullest part of your bust, you are a 36DD. In my case, I measure 40 inches under my bust (thanks, mesomorphic frame!) and 46 inches around the fullest part of my bust, so I’m a 40DDD. (At the rehearsal dinner for my brother’s wedding, my sister-in-law’s step-grandma made a comment to me, while I was holding my niece, that babies probably liked being held by me because of my “large, comforting chest.” I laughed really hard about it later on with my mom).
Swing sizing: Note that the measurement you get is just a guide to shopping. If you try on a bra and it doesn’t seem to fit correctly, swing-size it by going up a cup size and down a band size, or up a band size and down a cup size. So, say you’re a 36D, and the cup on a bra feels fine but the band feels tight – try a 38C.
What to look for:
1) Cups should not pucker (too large) or cut into breast tissue (too small)
2) Center of bra should hug close to ribcage
3) Bra should feel snug but comfortable.
4) Underwire should rest comfortably against ribcage and should not move independent of your body – test this by moving your arms up and down.
5) Straps should be tight but not too tight – you should be able to move one finger comfortably under each strap
6) Try on bra on second hook, and you should be able to pull the back part of bra about ½ inch before you feel some tension.
Myths about Bra Fitting:
Myth 1: The straps are for support, ergo, strapless bras offer no support.
Fact: No support should come from the straps. All support comes from the band and the underwire of a bra. Straps hold the cups in place against your chest, and offer a little extra “lift,” but no support. This is why you need to make sure your band size is accurate and snug, and also why you should consider underwire if you wear a D-cup and up. I see little old ladies who have been relying on straps for support for YEARS and they all have something in common – little dents in their shoulders. Wear the wrong bra, and your BONE STRUCTURE WILL CHANGE. Strapless bras can be quite comfy, actually – just go down a band-size for extra support. I have a great strapless bra in a 38.
Myth 2: If I have a roll of back-fat, I should switch to a larger band size
Fact: Back-fat exists, and there’s nothing you can really do to get rid of all of it. If you are not happy with how a bra makes your back or sides look, get a wider band, not a larger band. The more vertical hooks on a bra, the smaller the appearance of back-fat will be. You’ll get better support as a bonus, you’ll stand straighter, and you’ll look taller. See, back-fat is giving you better posture! Love your back-fat. It’s a part of you, it wants to be your friend.
Myth 3: Padded bras are only for women with small chests
Fact: Most “padded” bras are actually “contour” bras that have no actual padding. And anyone can wear a contour bra. Contour bras are fucking sexy. Give that shit a try, man.
Myth 4: No bra in the world can fit me
Fact: I once did a fitting for a woman who had a weird bone protrusion between her breasts, enough that it looked like a third breast. Guess what? We found her a bra. So clearly, your case is not hopeless.
Bras to Consider Trying:
Small-Chested (A-B) – First of all, you are in vogue. Most clothing is geared towards smaller-chests these days. A push-up bra works with what you’ve got and can give the illusion of a larger chest. A bralet gives you the support you need, is comfortable for every-day wear, and allows you to wear a lot. A bandeau bra is a wire-free strapless bra that offers you enough support and lets you wear skimpier tops. Brands to look for: Calvin Klein, Wacoal, Jezebel, Luleh, Maidenform, Warners, Jockey, Barely There.
Medium-Chested (C-D): You have the most options, you lucky bitch. Try everything. Buy fashion bras like whoa. You should consider owning every kind of bra in the world. But I would say try: A plunge bra for low-cut tops, a contour strapless for certain dresses, and a convertible bra for most everything else. And try on the fashion bras. They are made for you. Brands to look for: Calvin Klein, DKNY, Wacoal, Jezebel, Vanity Fair, Luleh, Maidenform, Warners.
Large Chested: (DD+): You may think you need cranes and scaffolding and unsexy bras for your boobs, but you are wrong. Don’t limit yourself to grandma’s Playtex bras. The right bra can make you a fucking bombshell, sister. You are not exempt from sexy lace. You are not exempt from colors. You are not exempt from contour and push-up bras. You should actually try them on and see how great they make your tits look. I’m for serious here. I AM ONE OF YOU. Now, you may think you need a minimizer, but you may not – get a good-fitting bra and you’ll look “proportional.” Minimizers reduce projection, but they can also squish the shit out of you and give you weird flat boobs. Try a balconette: it gives you a very modest cleave, but holds you up impressively, and creates a sexy line. Look for a soft-cup strapless bra with an underwire – something that will hold you in place and keep you comfy. Some brands make a “push-up” bra for larger chests – and design it so that it’s a minimal amount of padding in the right place for push-up. Try ‘em out. Brands to look for: Calvin Klein’s “Seductive Comfort” line (geared towards larger chests), Wacoal, La Mystiere, Felina, Olga’s Christina, Lilyette, Bali’s “Amazing Lift” bra (the only Bali bra I like), Cacique (especially good for 38+ band sizes, and very good at making COLORFUL SEXY BRAS in LARGE SIZES seriously what did I do before I met you, Cacique?), Lunaire. ALSO: figleaves.com for great selections of full-figure lingerie.
Final words of encouragement:
Bra shopping scares a lot of people because they have this idea that it’s only for Victoria Secret’s models. But you should not aspire to be one of these models-sexy, you should aspire to be you-sexy. Block these images from your mind when you try on bras. Shop with someone who makes you feel good about yourself – your best friend, for instance. Don’t be afraid to ask a salesperson for advice – technically, we’re supposed to be trained to be sensitive and supportive (Also, don’t be afraid to complain if you get shitty treatment). And most of us are not going to be horrified by any body-type, honestly. I’ve seen and helped thin women, fat women, women who have just given birth, women who have lost a lot of weight all of a sudden, women who have gained weight, women who have odd body quirks, old women, young women, middle-aged women... and so forth. And you know what? No one looks grotesque to me. No one. No, not even you. You want to know why? Because for the longest time, I thought the most grotesque body in the world was the one I’m walking around in everyday. And then I started seeing women regularly in their bras, and seeing a lot of body-types, and hearing them all say the same thing – “My body is so bad. It’s so awful.” And… not so much. Everyone thinks their own body is gross, but it’s just a body. It was after working as a bra girl that I realized that I’m probably not grotesque because, well, as far as I can tell, everyone thinks their body is grotesque – but they’re all wrong. So, I figured I was probably wrong too, and that’s when I began noticing that I was just fine. And so are you.
From the NYT book review of Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates:
Vowell, who constantly emphasizes how nerdy (meaning impressive) she finds her own interest in the Puritans, introduces figures like John Winthrop and Roger Williams as if no one’s ever heard of them. She delivers a farrago of free-floating pedantry — “the kind of smart-alecky diatribe for which I’ve gotten paid for 20 years” — having evidently made it her job to enlighten slacker Gen-Xers with a remedial history of our own nation.
It’s not right. Vowell’s whole alt-everything vibe is just dated enough to be cringey. And then there’s her Great Plains accent: can something so wholesome-soundin’ be real? And her politics. Perfectly early-millennium coastal (green, be good, Obama, etc.). Can she really take pleasure in plumping for an autofill ideology that’s so widely shared?
Well it sounds like someone else is green... with envy. I for one read The Wordy Shipmates when it came out last month (and by read, I mean listened to it courtesy of Audible) and rather enjoyed it. I mean, yes, Sarah Vowell does have the tendancy to write with an occasionally irksome self-conciousness -- I do remember reading Assassination Vacation and getting annoyed at a part in which she describes her paralyzing sea-sickness (actually shouting "Man up, Vowell!") -- it's her style. She owns it. Also, I'm pretty sure you walk into a room and say "Roger WIlliams" and most people -- most people not from Rhode Island -- will probably think he played James Bond or did the music for Star Wars.
It's probably the bitchiest -- and the least relevant to the book -- review I've read in years. What inspired it, one might ask? I think we can peek into the last paragraph and find out:
Vowell may not be Anne Hutchinson (hey, did you know that Hutchinson had 15 children?), but she’s a legitimate upstart. After all, having grown up a part-Cherokee Pentecostalist, she has somehow managed to become the one and only Sarah Vowell: a respected social commentator, a public radio star, the voice of Violet in “The Incredibles” and the author of five untrivial books, all while befriending (the tour-de-force acknowledgments section suggests) J. J. Abrams, Dave Eggers, Jake Gyllenhaal, Spike Jonze, Greil Marcus, David Sedaris and Zadie Smith.
Let me rephrase that for you: " How come Sarah Vowell gets to be on This American Life and gets to be a voice in a movie and gets to be friends with famous people and I'm stuck here writing book reviews for the New York Times blah blah blah jibber-jabber-jibber-jabber clang clang claaang."
Me: Gah, cut it out, cat! Geez. *turns to Pineapple* Hal keeps licking the inside of my knees.
Pineapple: Last night, he started eating my hair.
This just in: My schedule at Bra-topia for the day after thanksgiving:
3:30am-1:30pm.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
When I get my teaching license and am finally done with Grad School and can leave the world of retail, I will do a merry dance. A very, very merry dance. It will be called the "Dance of Always Having Black Friday Off." And I will spend every Black Friday from here until I perish not shopping. And lo, I will be truly thankful.
